30 Days Notice

Category: writing

FINAL NOTICE

Well, this is it then.

The last of 30 Days Notice. Not surprisingly, it was past due. It was designed to run December 1 through December 30, and here is the 5th of January. I guess I could have stopped when I got to December 30, because I didn’t promise that I would write 30 separate pieces, but somehow that felt like a threshold I had to cross.

I did write every day for thirty days. I never missed a day, even though I wasn’t always able to publish. Sometimes the pieces that mean the most to the writer are the ones that are  most elusive. In the end, I logged 45,926 words. That doesn’t count this piece (650+ words), or the 1730 words I had leftover from something I worked two days on and could never get to coalesce. The shortest piece (by design) was 100 words. The longest was the last piece: 3,584. On average, each essay was 1500 words.

I laughed while I wrote some of these pieces. I struggled to stay awake with others. Sometimes I wept, and sometimes it was worse than that. Every single day I learned something, and that was incredible.  I think some of the essays may be a little mediocre, but on the whole there’s nothing here that I’m ashamed of. Some of these are as good as it gets, at least for me.

I did discover, no big surprise, that I still have a problem with time management. I don’t know how I’m going to work that out exactly. Staying up writing until five, six, seven in the morning doesn’t work with real life. At this point, I just have to take a few days off in order to get my circadian rhythm back in order. I think that I’ve trained my husband (my dear husband) to not talk to me so much when I’m trying to work, but really, that’s not too sorely tested when I’m the only one up. I also discovered that my desk really is too tall and lifting my shoulders to type every night has made them stiff and sore.  I guess one has to suffer for one’s art. Or something. I love my desk, so I will have to find a workable solution.

If I look at this through the eyes of my toughest critic (that would be me) I think that it was a success. I have re-gained the habit of writing again, and that was an enormous hurdle. When I start the new project, I will have new challenges. I won’t be able to post each day’s efforts to Facebook. (What a Godsend that was– thank you dear friends for your wonderful support and feedback.) I won’t even be able to post it to a blog. (And many thanks to my new WordPress friends for your support and feedback– a lovely and unexpected surprise.)

Those outlets kept me honest. Richard Brautigan used to keep a calendar on which he noted, each day, how many pages he wrote. (I think it was a pages– some days it says 7 or 2 or 25, and even with his strange habits, he was writing more words than two per day.) I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.  I do think that my self-discipline and will to write are well-honed after their 30 day tune-up.

And yes, there is another blog. There won’t be new posts every day. You can find here, at Occasional Songs, with a nod to Handel along the way. The first piece there is one I wrote quite a long time ago, though I think most of you have never seen it. It’s called “A Chinese Funeral in L.A.”  I hope that you will come by there and see what’s going on from time to time. I’ll miss our daily connection over the writing, but I couldn’t sustain this pace much longer anyway.

Thank you all, again, so very much. I’m so glad we’ve had this time together, I’m so grateful to all of you.

LEARNING TO FLY

Like many of the best things in my life, this story begins with a dog. Except that I never knew this dog and for that matter, he’s been gone 85 years. The dog was a beautifully bred St.Bernard from Nina Dodd’s White Star Kennels in Long Branch, New Jersey. He was sold as a puppy in 1917 for $75, which works out to somewhere in the neighborhood of $1400 in today’s figures. Apparently the puppy’s new owner went to the train station to pick up the puppy with his nephew– telling the boy they were going to the train station to meet “Mr. Bernard.”  It took me awhile to piece together this tale of a St. Bernard from the  faded photograph of Orville Wright walking his dog, Scipio.  As it turns out, there are dozens of photographs of Scipio, romping among the hawthorn trees, lounging on the front porch, riding in a canoe on Lake Huron, stretched out across a Persian carpet. When Orville Wright died, decades after his beloved dog, there were pictures of Scipio still tucked in his wallet.

Before Scipio, the Wright Brothers didn’t foster much interest for me. Yes, I knew they invented the airplane, just as I knew Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Important things, sure, but not the stuff that keeps me up at night.  But because we live just a few blocks from the Dayton Aviation Heritage National Historical Park (Honestly, the name! It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue like “Yellowstone” does it?) we decided to take some visitors there one spring afternoon.  It was engaging, and I did learn how to tell one Wright Brother from another (Orville had a mustache all his adult life, Wilbur never had one) and I was impressed with their sticktoitiveness. We knew about their bicycles, but not the printing business, and we thought the sidebar about Orville’s friend Paul Laurence Dunbar was kind of interesting. Other than feeling a little piqued every time we saw a North Carolina license plate (First in Flight, indeed) we still didn’t give much thought to the Wright Brothers.

When another project brought me to Scipio and I discovered the collection of photos in the Library of Congress, I began to be more curious about these men that were the first to fly. As it turns out, Wilbur  had been dead for five years before Scipio came along, and though he helped his brother design their fine house in Oakwood, he died of typhoid fever before it was completed. Like many of us, the image I have of the Wright Brothers is that of young men in bowler hats and bow ties at the turn of the century, so I was surprised to learn that Orville had lived until 1948.

At the time of his death, we had airplanes “skywriting,” regularly scheduled airmail, planes had flown over the north and south poles and across every ocean and continent. There were crop dusters, paratroopers and aerial traffic reports. You could catch a regularly scheduled flight on PanAm from New York to San Francisco, or a Northwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Asia, and there were in-flight movies, with sound. Even Saudi Arabia had their own airline. The September before Orville died, the United States Air Force separated from the US Army, jet bombers were in regular use and a fighter jet had been clocked at 300 mph. That’s a lot of progress from those windy winter mornings on the dunes of the Outer Banks. If anyone ever asked  him  what his thoughts were about the use of the airplane to annihilate millions of people, I haven’t found the answer.

There have been scores of books written about the Wright Brothers and their quest for flight. Trying to find out something about the nature of the men themselves in those books is often like looking for a pearl in the sand. Mostly the books end with the success at Kitty Hawk (even though they truly did not hammer down the problems of powered flight until they were back in Dayton) or they end with Wilbur’s death in 1912. When the personalities of the brothers are described, it is in the broadest terms: Wilbur was “formal,” or “studious,” Orville was a “prankster” or (conversely) “pathologically shy.”  Wilbur had to be dressed by his sister to be appropriately attired, Orville was a dandy. Wilbur was the brains, Orville was the enthusiasm. Like many generalizations, there may be a kernel of truth there, or it may just be that a yarn repeated often enough takes on a ring of authenticity.

Take for instance, the notion that Orville Wright was “pathologically shy.”  (And yes, that’s the very phrase one sees over and over and over.) Think about this for a minute. Pathologically shy people do not stop to visit with school children on the street. They do not enlist the help of strangers in far off coastal towns to help them with gliders and later, powered aircraft. They do not entertain guests from all over the world. They do not play practical jokes.  Orville Wright eschewed public speaking, but there are documented instances where he did it anyway. He did not suffer journalists very well– and who can blame him? Journalists screw up the simplest things– imagine trying to get them to understand something as complicated as powered flight. These things do not confer on him even genuine shyness, let alone some kind of clinical state of dis-ease.

Continuing to sift through the sand, the dry, dry sand will turn up one little gem after another though, tiny landmarks in an amazing life. For instance, Orville Wright’s march to a different drummer started early– in kindergarten. Every morning, he’d start off — and never get there, preferring to spend the day playing with his friend, Ed Sines. At the appropriate time, he went home.  This continued for several weeks, until Susan Wright stopped in at the school to see how her youngest son was getting along. They’d never seen him.  Orville was then home-schooled by his mother (who turns out to be the source of real mechanical ability and curiosity in the family) until the second grade.

In the second grade, he was given opportunity to advance directly to the third grade, provided he could pass a reading test. The teacher chose a passage in the primer for Orville to read, and read it Orville did, holding the book upside down.  More in the realm of the prankster, he once dumped a packet of red pepper into the heating registers to see if that wouldn’t result in school closing for the day. This one kind of backfired, though. For three days, nothing happened. On the fourth day, the pepper was suddenly activated, making all the students sneeze.  But the teacher just apologized, opened the windows and went on teaching to her roomful of students, their eyes streaming from the red pepper in the atmosphere.

By the time he was at Central High School, at Fourth and Wilkinson Streets in Dayton, Orville had abandoned a regular course of study to take instead advanced academic classes in subjects that interested him, particularly Latin. (There is a photo here. Orville stands in the middle of the doorway in the top row. His friend Paul Laurence Dunbar is all the way to the left.) When he realized that his self-designed program made him ineligible for graduation he quit.

Interested in printing, Orville designed a press and his older brother, Wilbur helped him build it. By March of 1889, at the age of 17, he was printing a weekly newspaper, The West Side News. On the masthead, he is listed as publisher and Wilbur as editor. The paper is an amusing amalgam of “news.” For instance “Mrs. Harrison is sick and is obliged to refuse visitors. She will probably be out again in a few days” runs alongside an account of former president Grover Cleveland visiting St. Augustine, Florida en route to Cuba.  There are many “one-liner” stories, like “L.M. Brown wore the first straw hat of the season,” or “Miller’s slaughterhouse on South Williams Street was consumed by fire Friday morning.” (Yes, that’s the whole story.) However five column inches was devoted to “The Sand Blast,” a rhapsodic piece about, well, sand-blasting.

In April 1890, the West Side News became an evening daily, but the boys couldn’t sustain the pace, and in August, the paper closed. They did go on running the presses though, producing handbills, tickets, broadsheets, and booklets as a commercial press, including Paul Laurence Dunbar’s The Tattler, beginning in 1892. In December 1892, they opened the bicycle shop, and in the fall of 1893 attended the Columbian Exposition in Chicago where Octave Chanute’s aeronautical exhibit rekindled their childhood interest in machines that fly.

I’m not going to talk about the flying. The innumerable accounts of the Wrights’ efforts to make possible powered flight have ground that topic into dust. We know they did it. Let’s move on. Well, there’s one thing to consider though. In 1901, Wilbur Wright quit. He decided that man would never fly in his lifetime and he refused to waste anymore time on the endeavor. Orville, the clown, the tinkerer, the dreamer would not let go. He gave his brother reasonable arguments to continue. He wheedled. He cajoled. He stormed. Though it’s not recorded, he probably stamped his feet and slammed the door. Whatever he did, Wilbur reconsidered and the experiments in flying continued.

In 1900, Orville had taken up the mandolin. His sister Katharine wrote “Orv has begun lessons on his mandolin and we are getting even with the neighborhood for all the noise they have made on pianos. He sits around and picks that thing until I can hardly stay in the house.”  Orville’s  1900 Washburn mandolin is in the Smithsonian, along with report cards of both Wright brothers, the stopwatch they used at Kitty Hawk and scraps of fabric and wood from the 1903 Flyer than went with the Apollo 11 mission to the moon in 1969.

It horrifies me to read of the September 1908 accident in which Orville Wright crashed during a demonstration for the U.S. Army. The right propeller broke, catching on a guy wire that braced the rear vertical rudder. The wire in turn tore out the rudder and the plane nose-dived.

“Our course for 50 feet,” Orville wrote to his brother, “was within a very few degrees from the perpendicular . Lt. Selfridge to this point had not uttered a word, though he took a hasty glance behind when the propeller broke and turned once or twice to look into my face, evidently to see what I thought of the situation. But when the machine turned for the ground, he exclaimed ‘Oh! Oh!’ in an almost inaudible voice.”

Orville and the Lieutenant were thrown against the ground, and Lieutenant Selfridge hit his head on a wooden upright that supported the framework of the wing, fracturing his skull. He underwent surgery, but died during the night without regaining consciousness. Orville suffered a broken femur, broken hip, and several broken ribs and was hospitalized for seven weeks in traction. He never quite recovered from the effects of the accident. It left him with ongoing back pain and sciatica for the rest of his life, as well as a lingering sense of guilt and sadness over the first passenger death in aviation history.

As soon as Orville was well enough to travel, he and his sister Katharine sailed to Europe to join Wilbur there in promoting the aircraft, training pilots in Italy and demonstrating flight in Germany. When they returned home in May 1909, they were greeted by a crowd of 10,000 people at the Dayton train station. Their father and their brother, Lorin and Lorin’s family were there to greet them, and a special livery of eleven carriages had been arranged to carry the Wright party home. The crowds followed them on foot and when they crossed the bridge to the West Side they found the streets festooned with paper lanterns and flags. Across the street from their home, a bandstand had been set up and the  band began playing “Home Sweet Home” as they arrived.

I love that when the brothers Wright were finally (and very belatedly) officially honored by the City of Dayton (okay, boys, we’ll claim you now) a month later  in June, 1909 that they rode in carriage with lifetime friends Ed Sines (remember him, from kindergarten) and Edward Ellis, and that the two Eds spent as much time leaning out of the carriage shaking hands as Orville and Wilbur did.

It wasn’t all wine and roses though. With success came issues with patents, and vigorously defending those patents in a court of law. In 1912, Wilbur died from Typhoid fever. Orville believed that the stress of the patent issues had weakened his brother and made his susceptible to the typhus, and he vowed to finish out the patent fights to honor Wilbur’s memory. The house that Orville and Wilbur and Katharine designed together on Hawthorn Hill, across the river in Oakwood, is completed, and they move their with their father.

When I read Milton Wright’s diary entry in 1913 that his son Orville had narrowly escaped arrest for “rapid driving”– I wrote it down mistakenly as “rabid driving” and I smile when I think of Orville careening down Harman Avenue and rounding the corner onto Far Hills in front of the high school, people scattering in all directions and the Oakwood Police turning a blind eye, because they don’t really want to arrest their most prominent citizen.

No doubt he could be insufferable too. His sister’s nickname for him was “His Criticalness.”  As Orville didn’t like the taste of refrigerated food, the Wrights went on with an ice box long after their neighbors had moved on to electric refrigerators. He did design a special door in the pantry so that the ice could be delivered without water being tracked across the kitchen floor. Workmen could not get the reddish color stain that Orville wanted  right on the woodwork of the Hawthorn Hill house, so he re-did it all himself. (Did he roll over in his grave when NCR  -who bought the house after his death- painted all the woodwork white? It’s all right, Bubbo, the white looks good.) He was working on developing an automatic record changer, with a mechanical arm that reached for records, ordered in specific slots, and placed them on the turntable. Unfortunately, it didn’t work as expected, instead breaking most of Orville’s records by flinging them on the floor. In need of more records, he went to visit all of his relatives asking for their records in order to fine tune the machine.

One of Orville’s nephews was inordinately fond of mashed potatoes, and in family memoirs,  “Uncle Orv” was remembered to have fastened a thread to the bottom of his nephew’s plate. He noted at the dinner table that the boy’s plate just seemed to gravitate towards the potatoes, while surreptitiously pulling the thread to make the plate move across the table. The same method was employed at Thanksgiving to simulate a tin “cockroach” racing across the dining room table which caused the housekeeper to drop the turkey.

Ivonette Wright Miller, the daughter of Orville’s older brother Lorin, recalled for reporters the Christmas dinner of 1919, when her new husband  Harold was the butt of one of her uncle’s jokes.  The place cards that year were a card from  Orville with a $20 bill tucked inside. ($20 in those days was the equivalent of about $250.) Except at Harold Miller’s spot, where instead of a card there was a small box of candy. Harold thanked Orville for the candy and set it aside. Others at the table encouraged  him to open the candy, saying that the $20 must be inside the box. Orville chuckled away at the head of the table. The box was opened, but there was no money inside. Harold set the box aside, quite embarrassed now. But the family urged him forward , and he removed all of the chocolates to see if the money was hidden underneath. No. Again, he tried to stop, and again he was encouraged to continue to search. Finally, when he unfolded the lid of the box, there was the $20 bill peeking out. Fiendish, in its own way.

As I sift through these dusty books and snippets of  information, trying to winnow fact from fiction, I realize what is happening here and I can no more stop it than I could hold out my hand and stop a train from coming down the tracks. A simple essay takes days because it’s like falling down a rabbit hole. I wander down this path, and then that one. I stop to drive out to Huffman Prairie and let the wind blow across my face. I check and cross-check, and check again. I drag my relatives to look at the 1905 Wright  Flyer III here in Dayton at Carillon Park. I suggest to the docents there that the pronunciation of the dog’s name is “Skipio” like the Roman general, rather than “Sipio” like the town in Ohio. I search for a Washburn bowlback Cremonatone Mandolin on eBay.

Falling in love changes everything. No, no, not that I’ve fallen in love with a man dead 14 years before I was even born. (And even if not dead then, he would have been, let’s see, 91 years my senior.) Well, maybe a little bit in love with Orville, but more so in love with Orville’s story, with discovering the real stuff of the men who gave us wings. (And in the parlor game of who would you invite to dinner, living or dead, if it could be anyone– he’s zoomed right to the top of my list, way ahead of George Washington or T.S. Eliot or Jesus Christ.)

Tom Crouch, the author of The Bishop’s Boys, to date one of the few books that stops to actually look at the Wright brothers, rather than just the race to powered flight, describes them as “warm, interesting, witty and articulate.”  Yes, well, all that and so much more.  The thing is, it’s difficult to write about a group of people– whether it’s Little Women, or the Barn Gang, or Poets in Their Youth, there’s so little focus on the individual that they are not much more than cardboard cut-outs to the reader; two-dimensional and flat. Combine that with the highly technical aspects of the invention of flight and you have something dry, dry as the sand blowing across the hills at Kitty Hawk.

Driving home alone one evening in the Saab, nimbly moving along the curves of Far Hills Boulevard, coming down out of Oakwood into Dayton, I have a kind of epiphany. It is momentous enough for me that the hair rises on the back of my neck. I realize  in that instant that I know what I have to do, and how I’m going to do it. There are many more stories to tell.

The next morning I am browsing online through something entirely unrelated, and I run across a little tiny article, written by Leonard K. Henry, someone I’ve never heard of.  As part of the Federal Writers Project, he had interviewed Orville Wright on the third floor of Wright’s laboratory.  They are leaving together and Orville asks Leonard Henry if would be so kind as to look down the elevator shaft and see where the elevator is. “It always makes me dizzy and nervous to look down from any place higher than the second floor,” the aviator explains. Orville Wright was afraid of heights.  He explains that while learning to fly he was too busy thinking to feel afraid. “It had all the exhilaration of a great adventure,”  he said.

There are literally thousands of documents online and in special collections having to do with Orville Wright, and his family. There are diaries and letters and photographs and interviews and ledgers and blueprints and patent applications. I could spend the rest of my natural life reading about Orville Wright and not only not know everything there is to know about him, but not know everything that’s documented about him. I know now what I have to do to really begin to understand, and I am going to learn to fly.

I can get on an airplane as a passenger and I can fly.  I don’t like it much. For nearly a decade, I couldn’t even do that, and would drive or take trains or simply stay home. Then I realized that I needed to overcome that fear to prevent my life from becoming circumscribed by distance. So I worked out a means to stop being afraid, and those first few flights, beating back that fear– I was giddy with euphoria afterwards. Now it’s dull and ordinary again, and a tablet of Valium makes the anxiety manageable. That’s commercial travel, and that’s not the kind of flying I mean.

I am going to go out to the airport and take lessons in a little tiny plane and learn how to race up the runway into the wild blue skies. I am going to learn how to soar and bank and climb. My family is absolutely speechless every time I mention this. That matters not. I know I will be afraid, but I’m going to do it anyway. Maybe I will be too busy thinking to be afraid. I hope to find there all the exhilaration of a great adventure, and in the exhilaration of learning to fly, I’ll be looking for Orville.

BREATHING ROOM

It isn’t writer’s block, quite. In fact, the word counts make me look entirely productive: more than 5000 over the span of two nights. And when I say “over the span of two nights,” that’s exactly what I mean. This morning I went to bed at 7 am. Yesterday it was 6:30 a.m. Both times I fell asleep in absolute defeat. I have wrestled the essay two nights running and I am losing.

I want to write about why I live where I live. In the 1970s, “Why I Live Where I Live” was a regular column in Esquire Magazine, each one featuring a different writer. I read them avidly. The two that stick with me are those written by Annie Dillard and Harry Crews, both of whom lived in places where I too had lived. I’m not sure you would have recognized either place if they hadn’t named them. In the course of trying to coax the piece into shape, I re-read Harry’s column. It rambles all over the place too. Esquire notwithstanding, maybe it’s the topic that doesn’t work. Still, just like a dog with her teeth into something, I don’t want to let go.

Where we live is sometimes dictated by necessity, sometimes by whim. (Occasionally you have to wonder if fate intervenes. Why did I pick up and move to Montana, a place I’d never even visited? And then I was stuck there. For years.)

Whether or not you are at home there is at the heart of the matter. I chose Montana and lived there 18 years, but I was never a Montanan. I spent a decade in Boston, but found no peace there. However that city influenced me, it’s since washed off like a watercolor. (Well, maybe some driving habits remain.)  I wasn’t even a citizen of the one place that did feel like home, and couldn’t claim it as anything but borrowed. My whole life was like something out of Goldilocks. Too hard, too soft, too small, too large, too hot, too cold.  Until now.

So why can’t I write about it? I love this town, but when I try to organize those thoughts on paper, they read like something creative from the Chamber of Commerce. When I try to talk about how we came to be here, the essay takes on that terrible pedestrian narrative – “and then, and then, and then.”

Harry Crews said one of the reasons he lives in Gainesville is because three hours away there’s really good fishing. I like horse racing, but I don’t live in Dayton because it’s three hours from the Kentucky Derby. If “really good fishing” was the criteria for living somewhere, you’d think Harry would have moved closer to the beach. Of course, he lived in Gainesville because he taught there, just as we live here because we chose the extraordinary public performing arts high school for our son.

Why I think I’ll stay for ever and always is a whole different question. And for that matter, Harry has long retired from the University of Florida, and yet he lingers quite near there, in Melrose. I lived Gainesville as well; three times. In utero, as a little girl from age 2 to 6 and again when I was 17, and I returned for college. I don’t go near Gainesville now, it’s clearly my geographical tar baby and I’m terrified I might get stuck.  And when I left there in 1980, I didn’t even glance back.

I did take a couple of classes from Harry Crews, though. They were upper-level creative writing courses and I never should have been allowed to sign up. Lucky me the computer didn’t kick me out and neither did Harry. We used to meet at night. We’d have an assignment to read and then we’d talk about it. We’d turn in our papers to Harry and he’d return those that were already graded. I don’t think we ever talked about each other’s writing, and so much the better. We really only cared what Harry thought. One night, after we’d read Kafka’s “The Hunger Artist,” he asked me to tell the class what I thought about it. So I told them. “A brilliant story,” I said, “but I didn’t really care for it.” (Which I still think is an entirely legitimate opinion.)

Well, Harry was on that like white on rice. “Didn’t care for it! Little Miss Coed here doesn’t care for the great Kafka!”  And so on. Really, I suppose I should have figured that it would have been one of Harry’s favorites. I’d read all his novels in high school, and a love for Kafka should have come as no surprise. I sat there and listened while he raved and tried not to cry.

At the break, I went up and asked for my story. If you didn’t pick up your work, he threw it out.

“Name?”

“Larkin Vonalt.”

“Oh yeah. The one with the people wandering around in the middle of the night.” He shuffled through a few more papers. “Here it is.”  I could see he’d marked it with a B. He paused, though, before handing it over. Leaning back in his chair he looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.

“Are you kin to Larry Vonalt? He drew the word “kin” out three beats.

“Yes, I’m his daughter.” Harry slapped the desktop so hard people in the room jumped.

“Well, how the hell is he??!! We were the dearest of friends. You tell him, you tell him the next time you talk to him, you tell him Harry Crews sent his luvvvv.”

Well, I did tell him of course, and my father called Harry and they had a fine old time rekindling their graduate school friendship.  What I learned from Harry over the next two semesters was how to not flinch. It has served me well. I wish I could learn from him now how to say why I live where I live.

Why do I live where I live? There’s the history of course– the brothers Wright and their bicycles, their friend, Paul Laurence Dunbar and his poems. Jane Reese and her camera, John Patterson and his rowboats (yes, yes cash registers too) Esther Price and her chocolates. There’s the Federal Courthouse where Lincoln spoke, and damn near every president after  him. There are the 3000 creches at the University of Dayton and the 104,000 inhabitants of Woodland Cemetery, itself a National Historic Landmark. Every mover and shaker Dayton ever had is buried there– but the most visited grave is that of a boy and his dog.

There are the long straight boulevards of fine houses and the cobblestone streets, and the river, like a great grey ribbon curling through the town. Great old industrial sites dot the town, factories and warehouses and great hulking ruins. There are fountains in the river and a skating rink in a park downtown and a baseball stadium where the minor league team boasts the longest sell-out record of any professional sports team. Colored lights flicker underneath the bridges.

I lost my dog here for nine days. Everyone wanted to help: letter carriers, A.T. & T. repair crews, UPS, the Police Department, the Sheriff’s office, college students, homeless men and women. A local mover and shaker wrote about her in his blog. Days went by without a word. It was like she’d fallen off the edge of the earth. The hardest call each day was to street maintenance, to see if they’d found her body. When she was finally spotted, five miles across town in a wooded area behind the Hospice, nearly the entire staff became involved in our reunion. I’ll never forget the euphoria that swept over me as she raced into my arms, and I’ll never forget the UPS man dancing a little jig on my front porch that afternoon, upon hearing the good news. “The guys are gonna be so  happy to hear this, we’ve all been looking for her.” When I brought pastries to the hospice to thank them again on the anniversary of her return, the whole story was written up (badly, but it was a sweet gesture) in the Dayton Daily News as if the return of a lost dog is a story that ought to be newsworthy. Something like that can make you partial to a town.

Just a few weeks ago they named one of the bridges across the Great Miami River the Richard Holbrooke Memorial Bridge after the late American diplomat.  In 1995, Holbrooke brokered a peace treaty here in Dayton  that ended the Balkan conflict. He wrote about Dayton in his memoirs:

There was also a real Dayton out there, a charming Ohio city, famous as the birthplace of the Wright Brothers. Its citizens energized us from the outset. Unlike the population of, say New York, Geneva or Washington which would scarcely notice another conference, Daytonians were proud to be part of history. Large signs at the commercial airport hailed Dayton as the “temporary center of international peace”. The local newspapers and television stations covered the story from every angle, drawing the people deeper into the proceedings. When we ventured into a restaurant or a shopping center downtown, people crowded around, saying that they were praying for us. Warren Christopher was given at least one standing ovation in a restaurant. Families on the air base placed “candles of peace” in their front windows, and people gathered in peace vigils outside the base. One day they formed a “peace chain”, although it was not quite large enough to surround the sprawling eight-thousand-acre base.

When I read that out loud to my husband, I have to stop for a second to regain my composure. Why should that make me cry? It’s not sad. That’s Dayton for you. Not always the most sophisticated, perhaps, but hopeful and optimistic and caring. Even when the city keeps getting cut off at the knees– the departure of GM was dreadful, but NCR leaving by far the worst betrayal. (No doubt John Patterson rolled over in his grave several times.) Even when that happens, the city is like a scrappy little terrier– up on its feet and ready to go.

But when I try to write about it I get tangled up in keeping all the details straight and carefully drawing each line on the dot-to-dot. I try to keep my own story in there as well– after all, it’s supposed to be why I live here, not why those other 142,000 do. (Or a million if you want to count the outlying areas.)

I’d like to tell the story of the drunk guy that helped us unload the moving truck the hot August night we arrived here, or the woman who lived across the alley from us and her beautiful daughter and how the daughter died one night while they were making dinner. Or the man across the street who helped us carry a treadmill up the stairs and the stricken figure of a dog to the car, has cut the grass, strung the lights, and borrowed every tool we have, all the while keeping us apprised on neighborhood gossip. There are still so many things I don’t want to forget. But I just can’t seem to make the words cooperate.

It’s nights like that where my skill as a writer is less than useful. The sentences are pretty. They scan well. The metaphors are clever or apt. But it’s all so boring I can hardly stand to read it out loud to myself. Two nights of that is about enough to make me wild with despair.

Now comes the question of what to do? This experiment, this 30 Days Notice, was supposed to be neatly tied up and put away two days ago, on the 30th. I cannot seem to climb over this one piece and there are still two more lying in wait on the other side. Am I supposed to just give up and walk away after devoting two days of my life to it? Or should I go on wrangling the sentences until at last they move forward together? Maybe I just say forget it about the other two stories and move on to the next thing, closing down 30 Days Notice two days overdue instead of four?

I needed breathing room to sort it out. I used to sleep on this sort of thing, but I’m so exhausted by the time I fall into bed in the morning, that the sleep is hard and dreamless.

So today I let myself breathe a bit, hugging my sides like an exhausted runner, and I made some decisions.

I’m going to save “Why I Live Where I Live” for another project. It may take 10,000 words to tell that story. Or a hundred thousand. There will be one more piece here tomorrow and after that, a little wrap-up. And though the curtains are coming down on this show, I’ve left the stage door open– and I’ll leave a note with directions to the next theatre. One of these days I’ll figure it out, and then I’ll tell you how it is that I came home at last.

 

AMBIENT LIGHT

A Writer Talks About Photography

My first camera was a Kodak Instamatic 126. It was under the Christmas tree for me when I was six years old. The first photo I took with it was of a pen full of hound dogs, neatly foreshadowing the hundreds, nay, thousands of pictures I’ve taken of hound dogs since.  It made little square pictures, all of them fuzzy because while Kodak was making these dandy little cameras for middle America, they were outfitting them with the cheapest little plastic lenses ever. It was like making a photograph through the bottom of a plastic wine glass.  Did we even realize how awful they were?  Looking at these snapshots now really is like looking at your own hazy memories, everyone is no more than a suggestion.

Eight years later the Christmas tree once again bore photographic fruit. This time it was a much nicer camera, a Rollei B35, at the time the smallest 35 mm camera made. The “B” is for “Belichtungsmesser”– a lightmeter, which was built into the front of the camera. (You can see a B35 in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Melinda Dillon used one to take photos of the landing of the spaceship.) I didn’t have the opportunity to take a picture of any spaceships, but I did photograph chocolate shops in Brussels, friends eating herring outside the Hague, and a shot that showed early promise– I turned around and got a photograph of the hordes of tourists all taking snapshots of the Notre Dame.

I was already cast in bronze as a writer. Of course, I planned to be an actress and took to my high school stage as the Fiddler in Fiddler on the Roof, and Mrs. Smith in The Bald Soprano. I couldn’t sing well enough for the big roles in the musicals (the Fiddler, you might remember, is not Tevye, but a mute) and when I was cast as one of a dozen nuns in the Sound of Music I hotly told the theatre teacher, Don Oickle, that I couldn’t waste my time with such things. Which was probably the truest thing I ever said in that room. I was already editor of the school paper, after all, and for the first time ever I had an English teacher who both recognized my talent and raised the bar so high for me, that for the first time in my life I was having to work at writing.

I liked my camera, but I didn’t  think of it as anything other a means of recording memorable events, and always on slides. My stepfather had a very nice camera, a Leica IIIf from the 1950s and he shot (exclusively) Agfa slide film, so I shot Agfa too. We had a lovely Rollei projector and a good slide projected across the room can make a breath-taking image. They’re just a little inconvenient to casually leaf through. In time I started experimenting with different films, taking “artsy” photographs with an array of strange film from Ilford. I remember well a series of “eggs on a table top” that all came out cyan. My first year in college I stretched myself with the camera, shooting in the rain, at the beach, and all kinds of scandalous images that I’m surprised the local photo place deigned to print.

These were, however, good enough to get me into art school. On a trip to New York before I went off to MassArt, I “borrowed” the  Leica, and shot several rolls of the Chelsea Hotel, including a wonderful portrait of the famous hotel’s famous manager Stanley Bard. The Chelsea (in those days anyway) was very plain. Radiator pipes that banged all night long, narrow beds with thin blankets. But the wrought iron staircases were extraordinary, and the lobby was resplendent with boys in leather and raccoon-eyed girls, the celebrated and the notorious, cheek by cheek. I think that week is probably when I first started to use the camera as a different way to see. When I (ahem) “returned” the Leica, I left a roll of film in it, about half the exposures gone. I understand that when my stepfather went to pick up “his” roll of photos that he was quite bewildered by half of what he got back from Eckerd’s.

At Mass Art, I studied with Nick Nixon, who must be one of the most patient people alive.  My little Rollei had long since packed up (salt water and whatnot is hell on cameras) and with the first installment of my student loan, I bought an Olympus OM10 with a motor drive and two lenses.  Nick’s work is unflinching, capturing the beauty in the faces of people with AIDS,  people in nursing homes, the blind, the sick . . . and thank God, school children and city scapes. I wanted to take photographs like that, but I was shy about approaching people, so I shot almost exclusively with the telephoto lens. Yeah, it was a cop-out.

Even worse, I couldn’t get a grasp on exposure– I struggled with the light meter and most of the time just ignored it. I still can’t tell you exactly what “bracketing” or “matrix metering” is.  I understood why it was difficult to shoot a photograph of a black horse in the snow, and what to do about it, but I couldn’t explain it to you.  I suppose that’s like a writer who never bothered to learn to spell. It’s not that I meant to be disrespectful and careless. I was just in a rush to get the photograph. Somewhere I read a statistic that professional photographers believed that about five percent of the shots they took were successful. Five percent! That was one in twenty. I could produce a reasonable photograph one time out of twenty, well, most of the time.

I started in filmmaking at MassArt, drifted to photography and then upstairs to the Studio for Interrelated Media– “Performance Art.” There I built installations, made tape loops, shot film, and piled them all together to tell a story. Even though I was using various visual arts techniques to produce the finished piece, at the core all of my installations was the essence of it all: writing. I might have been running from words, but they were chasing me down.

The Olympus with telephoto lens and motor drive weighed in at nearly three pounds– which is a lot to carry on your shoulder day after day. Though I kind of hated to give it up, years later I finally packed it away in a box on the shelf for a much lighter Nikon SLR.  I was a long hold out for film. I’d see film stock from different companies disappear forever and each time would die a little  inside. Every time I had film developed, there was grousing about the expense. I understood the transient nature of a computer file though. Formats change, things disappear, they can’t be read down the line.

Daguerreotypes from the 1830s are still very much with us. Henry Fox Talbots “calotypes” of prints made with a silver solution fixed with salt still exist. You can make new prints from very old glass negatives. I love old photographs, particularly those of dogs, but also of family. My grandfather was an avid photographer and chronicled his family’s life with a medium format Speed Graphic, which belongs to me now. I have a photograph of Grampa, when he was just two years old, sitting on the lap of his grandmother, Elizabeth Tressler, who was born in 1837. So here’s a photograph taken in 1910 that is of someone I knew very well, well into my adult life,9 in the company of a woman who was born 125 years before me. I look at this image and I am connected to her. I can see that connection– he’s sitting on her lap!

I hated to change over to a format as tenuous as a computer file, and if the risks of losing the image weren’t bad enough, there was the trouble with capturing the image. I’d used friends’ digital cameras, snapping a picture for them at school functions and the like. There was no mistaking that lag between pushing the button and the shutter opening.  That  might be fine for taking pictures of a house or a tractor or an African violet, but what about shooting dogs, horses, children? You’d never be able to capture anything. They’d be long gone before the camera even cooperated.

Well, you know what comes next right? Nikon made a digital version of my beloved SLR, and it had no shutter lag. So I capitulated and agreed that the camera should be under the Christmas tree for me, 39 years after my first Instamatic. It’s been wonderful. Given that I never did master the technical aspects of photography, the digital format allows me shoot dozens of images to get the one I want.  This year, as part of a fundraiser, I used it to take pictures of pets with Santa Claus. I know, having had my owndog’s picture made with Santa Claus, that it’s usually one shot and you’re done. Not for me. I photographed each dog, as many times as necessary, until each owner had an image that made them smile. We would have gone broke trying to be that accommodating with Polaroid film.

None of my photographs has ever stopped anyone in their tracks.  Well, one maybe. In 1998, a friend and I spent 9 days crossing Wyoming on US 20. One evening, I took some photographs of an old fire truck parked under a sodium vapor lamp at the aptly named “Hell’s Half Acre.”  They were slides, and some of them were pretty fantastic. I chose the best one and entered, for fun really, in the Gallatin County, Montana Winter Fair. I should have had copies made, but I didn’t. Imagine how surprised and delighted I was to find that the photo had been named “Best Overall Photo” at the fair and “Grand Champion.”  When the fair was ending and I went to pick up the slide, and some other prints, my ribbons and prize money, none of it was there. Someone else had picked it up. At first I thought it must be a mistake, but as no one came back with them it was pretty clear they’d been stolen. You had to wonder about the man who usually won the photo contest at the fair, if he could be that small?  They reissued the prize money  and rosettes but the picture was lost forever and now Hell’s Half Acre itself is gone.

I take lots of pictures of the place I live, my family, some of the food that we conjure up in the kitchen, and of course, the dogs. One schmuck, an acquaintance, posted online a series of photographs he’d taken of Dayton. They could not have been less flattering. They weren’t even honest, just bad snapshots of parking lots and vacant houses and the quality was horrible– they might have been taken with my old Instamatic. When I shared my own photographs of Dayton with him he said they were the “typical yuppie bullshit” and called me a name. Another person looked at some photos I’d taken along the river  in Mississippi and saw in them a condemnation, when really that was not what I meant at all. So I think I’m not very successful in using photographs to communicate.

What I am good at is that I can make a great snap shot, an informal portrait. I can take a picture of a building or a harness horse or a carnival ride and make you go “Hm, that’s interesting.” No one’s ever going to want to buy them and put them on the wall and that’s fine with me. They work for me as illustrations, something to make the stories bigger. Photography for me was always about seeing, and writing is about feeling. Each photograph may indeed be worth a thousand words, but when I look at a compelling image, the journalist’s old maxim rises up in me: who, what, where, when and why. I see the photograph and I hunger for the details.

The noted photographer Shelby Lee Adams was a close friend of my late father’s. He is best known for his images of Appalachian family life, and those images are stories just begging to be told.  There has been an ongoing controversy about his work and whether or not it is exploitive of its subjects.  These people are poor, to some they might even seem grotesque– but surely no more (and perhaps less) than the homeless on the streets of L.A. or New York, or the babies with AIDS that Nick Nixon photographed. Or the children made famous  by Diane Arbus’ work. If we look at a photograph of another human being and it makes us uncomfortable, do we then deem it exploitive? Utter nonsense. When I see Adams’ photographs, I don’t feel pity or compassion or contempt– I feel curiosity. I want to know more about what’s going on in the picture, how these people are related to each other, what the circumstances are. It’s not up to me to judge their lot in life, but I greatly appreciate the glimpse into their world. When Dad was alive we used to look at these images together and he would explain to me what he knew about them. He and his wife were invited to go to Kentucky for a “Dinner on the Ground” with Shelby and came back with more great stories to go with these faces.

I like to take photographs, but I am not a photographer. I’m a writer, so I want to use words to tell these stories, but a single image catapults that person into our lives front and center, if only for as long as it takes to turn the page.  Over my desk hangs a large print of “Chester and His Hounds,” which Shelby Lee Adams made in 1992, and when I glance  up to really look it, it always makes me grin. But then I always had a thing for pictures of hound dogs.

Maybe Sex for Christmas

Best Read Late at Night

Writing about sex is troublesome for me. That’s something of a puzzle, because I can (and do) talk about sex: at the dinner table, in public, in casual conversation, in bed. I’m not shy that way. I said something mildly scandalous in that realm this afternoon while we were all sitting in the livingroom drinking cocoa. My husband muttered his protestations about propriety, to which I responded “What? This from someone who put something called ‘Lady Monkey Butt’ in my stocking?” I think the cocoa shot straight out of my mother’s nose.

But when it comes to writing descriptive narrative about sex, I can’t quite get it together. The rhythm eludes me, the delicate balance between the vulgar and the poetic. In December 1940, Henry Miller received an offer to write erotica for a “collector” for a dollar a page. He tired of it in short order, and his friend and lover, Anais Nin took up the slack. She never met the “collector,” but the intermediary, an art dealer, would tell her “The old man likes it. But concentrate on the sex, not so much poetry.”

“So I began to write tongue-in-cheek, to become outlandish, inventive, and so exaggerated that I thought he would realize I was caricaturing sexuality,” she wrote in her journal. “But there was no protest. I spent days in the library studying the Kama Sutra, listened to friends’ most extreme adventures.’Less poetry,’ said the voice over the telephone. ‘Be specific.'”  Anyone who has spent a moment (or more, or less) reading the dreck that passes for contemporary literary erotica can tell you that the stuff “without poetry” has an ugly crudeness that works opposite its desired effect. Just like certain marital aids, if you apply it long enough, you will eventually arrive at your intended destination, but you won’t have enjoyed the journey much.

Nin’s stories, on the other hand, are brilliantly balanced, progressing steadily in their long waltz to culmination. In “Artists and Models,” (an 8500 word story from the collection, Delta of Venus) she wrote:

“When she stood by the big iron bed, waiting, he said, ‘Keep your belt on.’ And he began by slowly tearing her dress from around it. Calmly and with no effort, he tore it into shreds as if it were made of paper. Louise was trembling at the strength of his hands. She stood naked now except for the heavy silver belt. He loosened her hair over her shoulders. And only then did he bend her back on the bed and kiss her interminably, his hands over her breasts. She felt the painful weight both of the silver belt and of his hands pressing so hard on her naked flesh. Her sexual hunger was rising like madness to her head, blinding her. It was so urgent that she could not wait. She could not even wait until he undressed. But Antonio ignored her movements of impatience. He not only continued to kiss her as if he were drinking her whole mouth, tongue, breath, into his big dark mouth, but his hands mauled her, pressed deeply into her flesh, leaving marks and pain everywhere. She was moist and trembling, opening her legs and trying to climb over him. She tried to open his pants.

As we truly only know what goes on inside our own heads during sexual congress, I couldn’t possibly say if that description of response is universal in any way, but it is damn close for me. As she develops the story over time, the language changes, growing coarser, more urgent. (You’ll have to go looking for that yourself. If I read too much, I’ll be distracted, and this project will be abandoned for the night.)

When I was a senior in high school, I’d translated an interview with Nin from the French Vogue for a class. It was a fascinating piece and it noted the titles of two books of short stories that had been recently published. I asked for them for Christmas, really having no idea what they were. My mother had a look at them in the local bookshop and demurred. When I discovered them for myself my freshman year in college, I was relieved that she hadn’t bought them for me. Not that it was an act of censorship (my parents were never like that) but it would have been a weird gift to get from your mom.

For a long time, I didn’t even try my hand at writing erotica. Even garden variety love letters felt forced and false– I found that I was cribbing from “real writers” like Anne Sexton and Sharon Olds to express myself. Then about ten years ago, a friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is a jazz singer by trade and of course, she had no health insurance. So we had a Valentine’s Day fund-raiser for her. I was fairly well noted in my own community then, and I offered to contribute an original one-copy-only signed erotic short story for auction. To sweeten the deal I included a plateful of handmade bittersweet chocolate truffles laced with cayenne.  (I was sure of those, I knew they were sublime. The story was another matter altogether.)

I’d seen how many other writers had handled sex scenes and often cringed. I feared and expected that same response to my own efforts. I may be able to fuck you on top of a car in a National Park but I can’t write about “throbbing members” or “moist folds of the flower” without giggling. Even if you can’t hear me giggling  you can read it between the lines.

So auctioning off this story was a little like auctioning off one’s knickers, and I felt a bit shamefaced all night long. A local architect bought the truffles and the story for $75, and I still turn slightly pink when I think about it. Maybe he just ate the truffles and threw away the story, I never heard. The climax of the evening was a celebrity spelling bee, star-studded with the local literary luminaries. And me. (This is Livingston, Montana we’re talking about. If you throw a rock in the street, you’re more likely to hit a writer than not.) Damned if I didn’t win– and the Calcutta style betting had me as a long shot. Among that group were numerous men who were a bit notorious for their sexual adventures and proclivities.  I wasn’t known for my sexual proclivities, I was married.

Well, I guess they were married too. I understand the problem, though. People fall in love with writers. They underline phrases on a page. They utter “yes” when some passage resonates. If the writer is similarly in love with themselves, it’s easy to succumb to this society of mutual admiration. Thank God I have a patient husband, and luckily I haven’t given him too many instances to be patient about. I have been told, more than once, by more than one man that I am the “manliest woman (they’ve) ever met.” It is meant as a compliment (coming from a man, after all) and I take it as such.  What they are acknowledging is a temperament that is neither squeamish nor shrill, along with somewhat masculine appetites: good whiskey, raw oysters, rare meat, sporting dogs, leather, European cars, and bawdy jokes.

I had a friend in college, another writer, who could match me stride for stride on most of that, though she had a real predilection for the most ridiculous pumps. Starting in college, and continuing for about twenty-five years, she maintained an affair with a man we both knew. He was tremendously ambitious and in time, tremendously successful. Eventually, her husband -working in the same field- found out, and was understandably furious. In turn, he took up with a woman he’d just met at a fundraiser, and eventually left my friend and married the woman he’d turned to. What happened next ended our nearly 30 year friendship: this beautiful, intelligent woman chose to wear a scarlet letter– not the “A,” you might expect, but “V,” for Victim. It’s invisible of course, but it colours her every action and decision. I couldn’t believe she’d grown up to be such a hypocrite.

Twenty-five years of sex without being compelled to make a partnership isn’t love, it’s just sex. She could have saved her marriage and the pain she embraced (and visited on her three kids) by just owning up to it when it was discovered. A mistake, but one that she compounds with self-righteousness. But then, that’s the golden question, isn’t it?  Is it more egregious to be in love with someone (and never act on it) or to engage in a sex act with someone you don’t love? I don’t know the answer. In a perfect world this would never come up, we would each be forever satisfied with our spouse, and no other person would make our pulse quicken. Years and years ago, we had a pastor who was kind of attractive in that “Jeremiah Johnson” way. He had a very plain and unhappy wife, and I imagine he’d wrestled this question more than once. He said one day “To be attracted to someone is human nature, but you don’t have to act on it.”  So that was his answer, and it’s fine advice for keeping a happy home.

Long, long ago I loved one particular man fiercely, and that love went on for years.  We spent quite a lot of time together, but we never, ever touched. Not in passing, not on purpose. That’s kind of hard to do– think about all the times you lay your hand on someone’s arm, or hug them, or shake their hand, in the most casual and platonic manner. When we were talking (and God, we talked a lot) the air seemed to shimmer around us. People noticed. I never touched him. He never touched me. I don’t know if we were afraid that once we crossed that threshold that we wouldn’t be able to stop, or if we would spontaneously combust. Or both. It’s all long over now, but the question still hangs. I’m not sure if you can help yourself in those situations though– do we even choose them? And certainly you can decide with whom you will take off your clothes and fall into bed.

So each night I fall into bed with the man I married nearly twenty years ago, when I was just a slip of a girl, all elbows and sharp edges. That first ache to close the distance between two humans is ancient history now, a shared common image, family folklore. There is comfort in knowing the roadmap of his bones as well as my own, and joy in the occasional surprise.  Now, older, rounder, I am less pleased with my own over-upholstered body, but when he whispers you are so beautiful, it carries the ring of truth. Perhaps not to anyone else anymore, but to him, there is still a loveliness in my soft flesh. Allowing for cricks and kinks, the architecture of connecting is familiar as breath, this goes here. Just for a moment we are pliant as newlyweds, bending, arched, couldn’t stop now if the Pope himself walked through the door. Then, like stepping from  the Tilt-a-Whirl, we take a minute to regain our bearings. Pillows are adjusted, plumped, the quilt is smoothed. We settle together like spoons, witless into sleep.

SURRENDER

 

I just can’t do it, not tonight. I give up. Consider this my unconditional surrender. I finished yesterday’s piece at six in the morning, after writing through the night. By then my son and husband were up and I thought I could clear the hurdle that is the oppressive desire for sleep, and I stayed up. Until 9:30 anyway and then I fell down in my bed, with my shoes still on for God’s sake, and slept until two in the afternoon. It wasn’t enough, and by the then half the damn day was gone anyway. More than half.

This madness has gone three weeks straight. Last night wasn’t the hardest. Tonight isn’t even the hardest, but this is the night when I am the most fed up with myself. I have managed to write everyday, but I have failed (spectacularly, I might add) at putting the writing first. With all due respect to Godfrey Reggio and Philip Glass, this is life out of balance. The writing is supposed to come first. I don’t know how to put it first. By the time I get up in the afternoon, I don’t even want to see the keyboard. I am tired of my own opinions, I am sick of the sound of my voice.

Everything aches. Even though I have a wonderful Aeron chair, one of the best inventions known to anyone who has to sit at a desk for hours– I tend to lean forward on my elbows, shoulders folded like an accordion. One night I got out of the chair, poured myself a glass of Maker’s Mark, turned up the music (Seal’s covers of great soul songs) and stood in the doorway, listening, humming, singing a snatch of this song or that one, until it was four in the morning and I really had to write something. I’m not sure that’s building a work ethic.

Today, after Christmas shopping with my mother, and finally addressing the issue of 500 lights on the naked ten foot tree in the living room only to find the lights had been rolled backwards onto the reel, so the plug at the very end was the female version– so the tree’s been undressed; and after listening to my son talk about his final exam in algebra, and after talking to my aunt and my father’s widow about my decision to not go to the extended family Christmas party on Friday, after the taking of toast and tea (thank you T.S.E.) do I have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? I do not.

I started at it. A few weeks ago I found a tiny pink bathroom scale, about the size of a matchbook. Guess who it belongs to? Barbie, of course! Of all the weirdness surrounding Mattel’s iconic doll, this was the thing that struck me as the most sinister. The weight is perpetually stuck at 110, which is about 35 pounds underweight for a living doll of Barbie’s proportions. I could just picture some little girl saying “Oooh, Barbie, those pants make you look fat! No Christmas cookies for you, you little sow.”  Say what you will about Barbie, she does not need to be on a diet. I sketched out the draft, and checked out a few other columns about the nefariousness of Barbie’s “weight problem” and watched a video for the first Barbie commercial in 1959. But I just don’t have it in me. I have reached for the reserves, and dear reader, those are empty.

There’s a little list pinned to the bulletin board next to the desk, with prompts for 17 more stories. There are only 9 days left to go in 30 Days Notice— so they’re not all going to make it. Some of these stories really do deserve to be told, but by the time I get to the writing, after all the day-to-day nonsense that populates my life (and yours too, and his, and hers, and theirs) after all that, I don’t have what it takes to do those topics justice. So I push them around on the plate and feel discouraged. I am so damn tired.

So I am going to go upstairs, unbuckle my shoes, pull off my clothes and crawl into bed next to my husband and go to sleep. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

Imagine Larkin Going Among the Dead

Howard Nemerov, 1988

A Tale of Two and a Half Poets

People ask me where I got my name.  I can understand that, it’s a different sort of name. My answer varies on the circumstance. If they seem interested, I might tell the truth. Otherwise I just toss aloft a little lie like “It’s a family name.” (The only member of my family that has the name “Larkin” is me. And that’s the truth.)  There are other Larkins, of course. Hundreds, I would think. It’s a big world after all, and it is a common family name in the British Isles. I occasionally meet people who have daughters named Larkin. One woman named her daughter after a wildlife preserve for ducks. The woman at the rental car counter just liked the way it sounded. And one day, in the McDonald’s drive-through of the town in which I used to live, I discovered that someone had named their little girl after me.

When I handed my debit card through the window to pay for my coffee and Egg McMuffin she said “You’re Larkin Vonalt!?”  When I admitted that I was (with some trepidation) she said “I just loved what you wrote so much and your name is so wonderful I named my daughter after you!” Honestly, I had no idea what the proper response to that situation is. Emily Post does not cover it. I told her that I was honored, that she had made my day and that I hoped her Larkin had a long and happy life. Then I drove away with my breakfast.

So, first of all, I did not name myself. My mother named me, though it took her a little while to come up with “Larkin.”  I was damned near called “Laura Kirstin.” Apparently, as the story goes, I was a few weeks old when my mother realized that I was not a “Laura.” (I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t know what I did that made “Laura” unsuitable.) “Larkin” was conjured out of several things: a contraction of Laura plus Kirstin, the nickname of St. Lawrence (“Lorchin”) and influenced somewhat by the British poet, Philip Larkin. I was not named for Philip Larkin, but his name helped to inspire mine.

Both of my parents were English professors, and writing came easily to me even as quite a young child, nature and nurture I guess. (I still have a “biography” of George Washington I wrote in the first grade. The last sentence is astounding: “He had red hair, he liked women and he liked to dance.” ) Nevertheless I never wanted to be a writer. Nope. Never. I wanted to be a ballerina, a veterinarian, a trainer of race horses, an actor, a director, an archaelogist (that one was short-lived) and a film maker. I resisted writing with all the ferocity I could muster, and you see how well it turned out.

While working on my BFA in Performance Art, I started to fool around with poetry a bit. I’d cut my teeth on Anne Sexton and T.S. Eliot, and being twenty-something in Boston, Massachusetts lends itself to the poetic life. It fits in well with art school– black clothes and English cigarettes, plenty of self-examination, both figurative and literal. Much of performance art was about stripping bare the soul (and often your person as well) and poetry was a means of getting there.

In the autumn of 1987, I saw that Howard Nemerov was going to be the writer in residence at the Atlantic Center for the Arts, which was quite near my mother and stepfather’s house. Qualified individuals could apply for a month-long fellowship to work with the esteemed American poet, and he alone would choose the chosen. I gathered up the poems I thought were reasonably good, filled out the application and sent it in. And I was chosen.

This is how these things work: you gather in a room with the Master, and the other (in this case five) supplicants. You sit around a table and one person reads their work and the others use their analytical and critical skills to trash it. Some of the criticism served up at residencies has been so brutal as to become legend. The brilliant Flannery O’Connor attended Breadloaf, the Iowa Writer’s Conference. There, she wasn’t permitted to read her own material, as the other writers complained they couldn’t understand her Georgia accent. So someone else read the story and Flannery took notes. The other writers dismantled and dissected her story ruthlessly and she wrote down their every comment. (The idea was that you would take the commentary and suggestions of the other writers to revise your work, and then return with a new draft.) When she returned to have her story read again, she had not changed one word.

At 26, I was the youngest poet in residence, at least 15 years younger than anyone else. The oldest participant was in his 80s. His poems had footnotes. Some days listening to the works in progress, I wondered if there had only been six applicants. (There were over 200, I was told later.) We talked about trends in poetry and work habits and favorite poems by other writers.

“Were you named after Philip Larkin?” someone asked.

“Sort of,” I said and didn’t offer any more. Instead, I asked Howard about a poem that had been widely cited in the obituaries of Philip Larkin, three years previous. In those days, you had to know the first line or title to look up a poem, and I had not been able to find  the one that ends “Man hands on misery to man/It deepens like a coastal shelf/ Get out as early as you can/and don’t have any kids yourself.”

Howard grinned. His face was almost a perfect rectangle, topped  by a thatch of white hair. He had blue eyes and they honest-to-God twinkled. “That’s the poem that starts out ‘They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad,’ ‘This Be the Verse,’ ” And indeed it was. I still know the poem by heart and can recite it like a parlor trick. That day Howard recited it for us.

We sat around a horse-shoe shaped table with Howard at the apex. Every day I sat at Howard’s right hand.  He had said he didn’t hear well out of his left ear, and I was intent to get the optimum experience. Every morning I arrived with my canvas mason’s bag, unfastening the little buckles to fish out my notes, Moleskine-style notebooks, fountain pens, and my very large antique Wedgwood Edme coffee cup, eschewing the styrofoam provided by the Center. As if those affectations weren’t enough, in those days I looked like I could have stepped out of a J. William Waterhouse pre-Raphaelite painting; all long red hair and pale complexion. The first week came and went and I was the only one that hadn’t yet read my own work, leaving me the weekend to stew over what I was going to present. I was nearly done with a new poem, and I was carefully shaping it, strengthening it in preparation for its dissection.

On Sunday night I laid that poem aside, put a new sheet of paper in the typewriter and wrote “Contemplating Hannah,” a poem about my stepsister, in about 15 minutes.  I had to tweak it here and there, but essentially it arrived on the page like a gift. On Monday morning, I unpacked the notebooks, the pens, the coffee cup, and the poem.  When I read, my voice shook.

Contemplating Hannah

We were in the garden

among the poppies

talking about French kissing

and shrieking at some

stripling’s miserable efforts.

We were sixteen and the

sun was high.

She was the pretty one

with her lacquer and hard

eyes, hoarder of secrets and

silver. I was older:

we were in it together.

 

There’s a baleful husband and

two tiny children entwined

in her fine tea brown hair.

She’s made her face of

paint and feathers, hidden her

heart in the secret drawers,

left her orange peel on

the front hall floor

and gone

 

To gorge on lotus fruit

locked in the Happy Prison,

The road home long forgotten.

Where is Hannah who sat

on my bed bemoaning history

And braiding my hair ?

Where are those sharp nails

that dug half moons across

my hand? Our conspiracy

of the lickerish?

 

The starlet of mathematics

has disappeared against the

sky; where are her Tolkein

books and Tarot cards?

Are they lost with the

cold Canadian morning, her

sandalwood soap, clarinet reed

and amber beads, all of

Being Sixteen.

 

Hannah says she’s out there

in some hazy Manx landscape

and when I saw this woman

she held me by the waist and

nuzzled my face. And I wondered

Who is this impostor and

Where is my lost sister?

Arriving at the end of the poem, I was met with utter silence. Then Alan, across the table, leaned forward to speak. Howard held up his hand to stop him.

“That was lovely,” Howard said, and no one else said a thing.  After we sat there for a minute or two, Howard leaned over and said “There’s only one ‘s’ in ‘disappear.’ Why don’t we take a break now?”

For years, I thought that it was all about the poem. I bet I was 40 years old before I realized that it probably had at least as much to do with being a twenty-something girl – woman with long red hair. Not that it’s a bad poem. The poem has some significant flaws– the last stanza should be deep-sixed altogether, but it wasn’t bad.

The next day, we all came in, sat down. I took out my notebooks, and my fountain pens and my English coffee cup.  The woman to my right was tidying her notes, preparing to read, chewing a fingernail, when Howard came in and sat down.

“Good morning, all.  Last night I wrote a new poem, and today I thought I would share it with you. It’s called ‘Larkin’.”  No one said a word. No one gasped, or choked or laughed out loud. Their eyes shot darts though. Thank God the poem was not about me.

Imagine Larkin going among the dead,
Not yet at home there, as he wasn’t here,
And doing them the way he did The Old Fools,
With edged contempt becoming sympathy
Of a sort, and sympathy contempt for death.

It’s a quirky spirit he carried through the arch
To aftertime, making a salted fun
Of the holy show and grudging his respect
For all but truth, the master of a style
Able to see things as he saw through things.

He was our modern; in his attitude,
And not in all that crap about free verse.
He understood us, not as we would be
Understood in smartass critical remarks,
But as we are when we stand in our shoes and say.

Our Roman, too; he might not have cared to be,
But what I mean is this: you wander through
The galleries entranced with shepherdess and nymph,
The marble or alabaster faery and fay,
Then suddenly you come on him, the stone

Of his face scored up and scarred with the defeat
An honorable life has brought him to,
And know that backing up the tales we tell
Is mortal this, the what-it’s-all-about,
So that you turn away, the lesson told,

That’s it. Dear Warlock-Williams, might you weep?
The penetrative emptiness of that gaze
Kindly accusing none, forgiving none,
Is just the look upon the face of truth,
Mortality knowing itself as told to do,

And death the familiar comes as no surprise –
“Ah, Warlock-Williams, are you here as well?”
With Auden, with Hardy, with the other great and dead,
Dear Larkin of the anastrophic mind,
Forever now among the undeceived.

At the end of the session, he stood up, scrawled his name across the bottom of the onionskin, and handed it to me. “This copy is for you.”

By Wednesday, things were back to normal. When I read my second poem, he was less impressed. When I asked  him about it later he advised that it just needed more work. But when he went on to say that he thought I’d have a great talent for writing popular songs, I burst into tears on the spot. I didn’t want to write popular songs! I wanted to be Elizabeth Bishop! Marianne Moore! Stevie Smith! I wanted to be taken seriously.  Poor Howard, he handed me a tissue, quite flummoxed by my response to what he meant as a compliment.

When the month was over, Howard gave me an inscribed copy of his collected poems. It didn’t contain “Larkin,” of course. He’d just written it. But my typescript copy is still tucked inside. We wrote letters every so often for nearly three years. I’d send poems. He’d send them back with cryptic notes, a word circled, with “no” written next to it, or “nice” or “yes.”  Sometimes the poem was ignored altogether. I wrote that I was disturbed to discover that Philip Larkin had been revealed to be a “right-wing, racist, womanizing misanthrope.”

“He was charming,” Howard wrote back. Indeed, he must have been. No one could stretch a description of Larkin to include “handsome,” and yet he was often balancing two and three romantic relationships at one time. But you don’t have to love the poet to love their work. Then Howard’s letters stopped. He died two months after the last one, of throat cancer at the age of 71. (Ironically, for me, Philip Larkin died of the same in 1985, at age 63. And my own father, in 2005 at age 68.) I never wrote another poem.

Knowing “This Be the Verse” by heart is a lot like knowing a good joke. Larkin had better poems. One of them was “For Sidney Bechet,” written in 1954  in homage to the great Jazz clarinetist. In the second to last stanza, there’s a particular line:  “On me your voice falls as they say love should; Like an enormous yes.”  When I read that, it’s not Sidney Bechet’s horn I hear, but Howard’s commentary, a combination of gravel and gentle wickedness– and his inscription in my copy of the Collected Poems of Howard Nemerov: “To Larkin with love from Howard and Larkin.”  An enormous yes.

AFTER

I could have been done with this hours ago.  The luminaria have all burned out. The guests have all gone home. Every living soul in the house is sound asleep. I’ve just sat here for three hours barefoot at my desk, in pajamas and a wool pullover because the house is cold at night, daydreaming.  In the shower I thought I knew what I was going to write, and I might still write that, just not tonight. Tonight I am something beyond tired– gone long past sleepy to something else. Even now, I’m just noodling away at this. There’s no story here, folks, move along.

It was a good party, our first in probably a decade. I don’t even remember which one was the last one. I think it could have been the year that I started out for Bozeman before dawn to pick up a last few things and the car shuddered to a stop on the pass when the gas lines froze. By the time someone stopped to help me, I was beginning to be hypothermic. The person who lifted me from the driver’s seat was an extraordinarily kind snowplow operator. He set me up in the cab of the plow and drove 15 miles straight down the hill  to the Bozeman ER .  In the emergency room, they rolled me up in layers of heated blankets, changing them out as they cooled.

That year, we put the party off for a day. There were times this week that I wished I could push back the start time a day or two or ten– and yet, we were reasonably presentable when the first guests stepped through the door. Presentable, but still cooking. Maybe that was an excuse. It gave me something to do with my hands, cutting up cantaloupe with woeful inelegance. It made people come to me, rather than making me choose. I think I’m a little rusty at this hostess business.  I was thrilled to see each one of those folks walk through the door, though.

William Faulkner once said “Everything goes by the board: honor, pride, decency to get the book written.”  I don’t think I’m quite there. (This is probably a relief to my husband as I understand old Bill was pretty difficult to live with when he was writing. And damn difficult when he wasn’t.) It’s getting better though– at least there is writing is going on. It may not be good writing, but it’s got little legs all the same.

Unlike Faulkner, I’m not willing to just dump everything else in my life. I would just as soon find time for  making eggnog for my friends; taking the coats, and bottles of wine and gingerbread from their arms; hearing about their children, and dogs and political campaigns. Even if finding the balance means too many late nights trudging along one after the other. I’ll get down to the business of the writing tomorrow, and might be able to transform that into something worth reading.

In the meantime, I’m just going to sit here at my desk, enjoying the kilim under my bare feet, remembering a splendid evening with friends, the magic of the lanterns in the garden – until I’m too sleepy to do so.

Night Hawks

“Night people, funky but neat” – John Cooper Clarke

More than one person has advised to write in the morning. Only one of them is a writer, and she happens to be a morning person.  The last thing my husband says to me before he goes up to bed is “Don’t stay up so late tonight.” I can’t help it.  This is when I write.

I’ve tried to write in the daytime. Writing on deadline would have been a lot easier if I could somehow focus on the matter at hand during the daylight hours. I could do the interviews, make the notes, fact-check and peel back the layers of research, but I had the damnedest time getting the words down on the paper in some kind of orderly fashion, let alone words that would dance, take flight, suspend disbelief.

Some of the absolutely most brilliant things I’ve written have been crafted long after the rest of the world has gone to bed–and some of the worst dreck too, which is why although it’s good to write late at night, it’s wise to edit in the daytime.

I am less guarded at night , which allows for the literary blood-letting that seems to have become an essential component of a number of these personal essays. It also allows me the quiet and the solitude to work out complicated issues and present them in some kind of halfway coherent manner.

It’s been this way a long time. In college, I once wrote a poem about defrosting the refrigerator at four in the morning, and I wrote it after I finished defrosting the refrigerator. And not just for the writing, but most social interaction too. In the old days, we didn’t even get ready to go out until 10 o’clock, closing down the clubs and finishing up with breakfast at the Varsity, or whatever all-night diner was available. Then, as now, I did try to go to bed before it was entirely light out. Last night was a squeaker in that regard.

At home or out in the world, the night feels comfortable to me. The risks seem better calculated, the interaction with other people more immediate, the night its own soft, safe velvet cloak. Even online, there is a sense of camaraderie at finding that someone else is also up in the middle of the night.

Edward Hopper’s painting Nighthawks, has become a kind of icon for night-crawling, and the scene with its four figures has been the subject of many short stories, poems and cinematic homage. Fluorescent lights were quite new when Hopper made the  painting in 1942, and they seem a beacon out of the diner. After seeing the painting as a cheap print, it was quite shocking to come face to face with it in the Chicago Art Institute.  For one thing, it’s quite large– five feet long and almost three feet tall. But more immediate to me was the sense of wistfulness it evoked. Not that the figures were experiencing “existential loneliness”  (as suggested by one self-important art critic) but that Hopper had captured that late night blend of melancholy and magic. I wanted to be at some counter in the middle of the night, eating pie and drinking coffee from a stout mug.

Sister Wendy Bennett, an English nun who has been trotted out for a program in Art History on the BBC (honestly, even the premise sounds like a Monty Python skit) wrote in her book Sister Wendy’s American Masterpieces that the figures in the painting symbolized caged and miserable birds of prey, but it was unclear if the woman was preying on the men or the men on the woman. She loaded on more tripe about only the counterman being able to experience freedom by having a life outside of the diner. She thinks perhaps Hopper based both the male customers on himself (not the case) and that this indicated that he thought of the men as clones. Clones?

It’s not my place (or anyone else’s) to tell you what the  painting’s about. That’s the nature of art. Experience it for yourself and make your own interpretation– but in my opinion the English nun is heavily layering her own negative feelings about late night perambulations on top of whatever Hopper intended.

There is a very definite sense  in our culture that it is virtuous to be up early, and degenerate to be asleep at noon, even though there should really be no difference.  Ben Franklin, echoing earlier philosophers wrote “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise,” and those prejudices linger, generating all kinds of pop culture studies, medical research and unending zeitgeist that it is better to get up early. Sometimes that moment of awakening and leaping from the bed is referred to as the heroic minute. Heroic! But apparently not so heroic when the minute of your rising is after 11 a.m.

Studies over the last forty years have shown that there are “differences in the fundamental property of the intrinsic period of the circadian rhythms” that will determine whether someone is an early bird or a night owl. These differences then are hard-wired, but can be adjusted through habit, will, and light therapy. There is sometimes a bias against “night people” in the workplace, where they may be regarded as undisciplined or lazy. In January 2007, “night people” in Denmark began a serious campaign to end discrimination against those who stay up late. Forming the “B Society,” they argued that the “Early Bird Model” was less relevant in a post-agricultural society and sought to attract the support of “trade unions, politicians and policy makers interested in making a more flexible workplace.”

I don’t consider myself “nocturnal,” but rather “cathemeral,” like a lion– an animal that is active night and day, depending on the circumstances. We night-hawks are in good company, though:  James Joyce, Winston Churchill, Marcel Proust, Hunter S. Thompson and Keith Richards.

A few years ago, a high school classmate rekindled our acquaintance. She and her husband both did shift work for the Canadian coast guard and often we were all three up in the wee small hours of the morning. I think those late night online conversations helped us to forge a much better friendship than the one we enjoyed in high school.Since then they have both retired and no longer have to deal with shift work (which neither particularly cared for) and I’m glad for them. But I miss seeing Jeanne pop up on my computer screen when I am noodling around after dark.

Tom Waits’  1975 album Nighthawks at the Diner was inspired by Edward Hopper’s painting, and the song “Eggs and Sausage”  is a brilliant evocation of late night in a diner. For years though, I mis-heard the line “Now the paper’s been read” as “Now the paper’s put to bed,” which for journalists is a lot more sensical. The paper’s “put to bed” when it’s sent to the press, a nocturnal exercise everywhere– it’s close to daylight when the day’s edition hits the streets. (And if it was the previous day’s — why bother reading it?)

There’s a rendezvous of strangers around the coffee urn tonight
All the gypsy hacks and the insomniacs . . .

I could get up at, say 5 a.m. and try to write. An hour into it, my son would be hitting the shower. My husband would be up soon after, and then downstairs making coffee, and letting the dogs out. The television would snap on for the morning news. Julian would stick his head in the study to ask if I know where something is, or can he have ten bucks, or did I  make an appointment for the dentist? They’d be out the door to school — I’d have 30 glorious minutes of peace and quiet and then my husband would be back. The mailman rings the doorbell, the dogs bark, everything pulling at my attention from fifty different directions.

If I start writing about midnight, I can write for four hours with very little to interrupt me. Four glorious hours, my family snug in their beds, the dogs snuffle, feet twitching, chasing rabbits in their dreams.

CRASH

I knew this day was coming. I knew even before I started this project that I would reach a point where I would want to just to blow off the writing and crash. This is that night.

First comes the bargaining: it’s okay, you can go to bed and get up early and write, who will know the difference? Then comes the crankiness: why even bother, who even cares, why do you write this crap?  Then there’s the worst: the whining. I am so tired. I just want to lay my head down, I just want someone to rock me to sleep, I just want . . .

The truth is that I’m tired because I’ve been cleaning my house. How lame is that? The house is not that bad– it’s not like we’re in the running for an episode of Hoarders or anything. But there is a lot of stuff to sort through, and in the past I’ve just stuffed it in that closet or stowed it in those boxes or put it in the corner and thrown a festive tablecloth over it. It’s time to finally figure out where everything goes and put it there. We’ve been here for four years after all.

To compound my to-do list, Christmas is around the corner. And we’ve invited folks over. What is it about humans that makes us decide to replace the front door glass, paint the back door, install a new kitchen island and sort out the dresser drawers (underwear with holes to the trash, underwear with shot elastic to the trash. Hell, put it all in the trash) when we have an absolute no-fail, no wiggle-room deadline.  We must be nuts.

And I am tired. My back is a little achy, I have a paper cut, I need to do something with my hair and good God, it’s nearly two in the morning again? I am peering up over the edge of fifty and I guess it’s okay to be tired.

But before I can ramp up a full-fledged pity fest, I remember. One of my friends was just diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. She’s optimistic, her doctors are optimistic, she’s going to do her best to beat this. Still, one of our mutual friends was already spinning out a eulogy over dinner.

Eulogies are being written for the sister of one of my high school classmates. She drowned last week while on vacation in Mexico, and my friend struggles daily with authorities in another country  to have her sister’s remains brought back to Canada.

Last week, another friend joyfully announced her remission from leukemia and in the next breath said she was going in for more chemotherapy to keep it that way, and the way she said it  made it sound like she’d decided to go to Michigan for the weekend or something. She must be so very tired, but she is determined.

The near constant severe headaches plaguing yet another friend turned out to not be Lyme Disease (her original diagnosis, which would have been bad enough) but a godawful thing called Fahr’s Syndrome. When she told me in an email that this was what she was facing, I had to look it up. When I saw what it said, I wept. There is no treatment for this progressive neurological disease. Unlike my friends with cancer, she cannot get better. She and her husband have two daughters not yet in high school.

So who am I to even feel weary? My friends are the most amazing people, and I am humbled by their strength. If they want to pitch a fit sixteen ways to Sunday  surely that’s their prerogative, because life really is so damn unfair. It is not for me to whine about having all this to do, and wishing I had another week to spin my wheels. It’s not for me to complain that I can’t fall into bed because I will not be dissuaded from this relatively modest project of writing something everyday. I didn’t even say that I had to write something good.

Dear readers, please say a prayer for Audrey and Marilyn, for Stacy and for Sue.  Know, too,  that I am counting my weariness and minor aches and pains like blessings. Tomorrow is another day, and one of those tomorrows I am going to sort out my schedule to get the writing done first.

But for tonight, I really do have to crawl into bed. I am so sleepy I don’t think I can write one more

 

 

 

(word.)